Wordy and Photo-less Post That You'll Unlikely Read

August 20, 2013

Today, I woke up crying over a really bad dream. I can’teven remember the dream’s entire storyline. The pain on my chest, however, wasvery real. Heavy and real. It’s one of those rare moments when I literally justlied on my bed curled up in a fetal position, crying. The dream, by the way,involved my mother.

I have not been the best daughter these days. Heck, I havenot been the best person either. My nag-rerebeldestreak is making people who knew me before become uncomfortable. One friend wasasking if I have a huge problem. Another was asking if this was because of thebreakup, from last year mind you. A college friend accused me of not being overthat relationship yet.

I kept on saying “No, that was not it.” It was the truth. Although I’m already even tempted to make something up just so they would stop with the concern. It’s not that I don’t want people caring for me; it’s that most of them can’t understand where I’m coming from. 

AKA something most of my internet circle and Manila friends (college-work) don’t know about me

I was born and raised in a Born Again Christian family. My parents were not just attendees. They had ministries too. I wouldn’t say I didn’t like it. As a child, I lived for Sunday schools, especially the games portion. I got really competitive memorizing bible verses. I just had to be faster than other kids. I fondly remember getting first place for spewing out the most number of memorized bible verses in the time allotted.

Then in high school, I was a core member of a youth group for the church’s Sunday school for high school students. I organized big-scale events for the group. I did really good things back then. And during that one year that I didn’t have a boyfriend, I was what we call a Jesus freak too. I led a small group in school that holds a bible study for non-believers.

Who knew, right?

During my first year in Manila, I was still in the dance ministry for our satellite church in Quiapo. Then, I got into a relationship. I’m not saying that he caused me to stop attending church. I would say it was mydecision not to. I just became tired going all the way from Quezon City to Quiapo. Also, I really liked that I can finally rest for one day because my weekdays + Saturday has always been dedicated to school and my college dance troupe.

Even when I stopped attending church, I was the girl who didn’t have any vices. I was the girl always beside the pulutan during drinking sessions. I didn’t know how to drink nor did I get myself influenced by a horde of friends getting me to drink. Relationship-wise, I was the poster child of loyalty. For 6 years, I didn’t even had guys-I-know crushes. Maybe because I didn’t really look at other guys, not like how I looked at my then boyfriend.

All my life, I have been a goody-goody. This time is really the only time I got to explore outside that good girl persona. Not only did it toughen me up, but it also led me to things that I wouldn’t have done before: Appreciating music, saying what’s on my mind, getting to know my friends better, going to a beach with a stranger, dropping everything to go ride a bus off to some place… this list would go on forever.

And that was my point. I got to live a life that isn’t constrained to just one set of rules. I know I’ve been going overboard at times but that’s because I didn’t have any former experience to compare it too. Afterthoughts have, at times, been a slap in the face (figuratively of course!) but I really don’t regret anything. This experience really helped me learn a lot about myself.

I know I don’t need to explain nor be apologetic to everyone. It just makes me tired dealing with people. People change. This new me? I don’t like everything in it either, but I’m already in the process of weeding out what’s bad about it. Let’s just say that I’m trying to make a better version of myself.

Ahh. I do need a hug.

P.S. We still don’t have internet, thanks to #Maring and this monsoon. Also, let it be known that I was shamelessly listening to Dati (Sam Concepcion) on loop while this is being written. Yay Philpop! Heh.

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